fantasist

     Maybe, just maybe, I could have given you the cassette, if I still felt like you were the person I made it for. I tried really hard [S.S], to make it as easy, respectful, and clean as possible for you, because I loved you. PLEASE NOTE PAST TENSE. I don't know how you feel like it was "sudden," when we almost broke up in December over the very same thing. It's super fair for me to need to break up, regardless of how you feel, because it's just as much about what I need as it is about how you feel about it. Whatever. There's nothing more to be said about fairness and equality and all that which hasn't already been said; although probably only by me. You don't seem to be too concerned about how you make other people feel, unless it comes back to bite you.

I wanted to write about the cassette tape -- Pisces, I called it -- because there's a couple songs I keep hearing, and they make me think about this whole damn situation far more than I should, although it feels like I do that for a lot of things. I just wish you could go about this more maturely. I've been told by mutual friends that you're legit just making shit up. Fucking... for what? Attention? To make it seem more dramatic than it is, to sensationalize it and have a fun story to tell the next poor girl in line so she can wonder just how you ended up with all these hideous partners? [S.S], you're fine. It's less of that everybody you've dated has sucked and more that we're all just kind of people, and people aren't perfect. Whatever. If anyone out of you, I, and your exes are creepy, it'd have to be you for stalking me for nine entire fucking months. You even showed up to my work, just because I worked there -- you didn't even get breakfast or anything; whatever. Anyways.

Your lack of growth as a person, especially after such a big thing like a breakup, is incredibly frustrating. I don't know how you struggle to grasp the idea that it might be difficult for a lesbian to date a man. You're an adult man, fucking act like it. God forbid anyone expect you to act your age [S.S]. If you ever read this, don't whine about it just because we both know it's too true to fake. Not like you'd know much about not faking shit.

    It's a really good mixtape. It just sucks that you're not the same person who it was made for. I feel like you'd be searching for a meaning that isn't there, a meaning that perhaps could have been for a you who didn't act so... childish. Vindictive. Arrogant. Self-absorbed.

    You've somehow managed to push me so far away that I don't even miss the good parts of what was -- which is particularly ironic considering just how often and how intensely I long. Not even the memory of what was good about you, about us -- feels worth engaging with. You've just... soiled it. Maybe I have you to thank, I suppose, in that it's a lot easier to move on from somebody you just utterly refuse to seriously entertain the thought of, in any way of meaningful integrity. 

    The songs don't really remind me of you anymore either, but what do I care... why should I?